Sunday, August 21, 2005

Phantasm (1979) * WORST 5 * * Favorite Review *

Stupid eye-ball!

Genre: Sci-Fi Horror Fantasy

Starring: A. Michael Baldwin (Phantasm II & III), Bill Thornbury (Phantasm III & IV)

Directed By: Don Coscarelli (Bubba Ho-Tep; The Beastmaster)

Overview: A curious boy uncovers an insidious alien plot at the Morningside (get it? Mourning, yeah) Funeral Home.

Acting: Terrible! That little ****sucker and his stupid melodrama. What the hell?! His voice acting, his body acting, everything about him screams "CASTING!? HELLO?!" I was swearing at him for half the movie. And his brother, and the tall man and everything. Wait no. No. There's NO WAY I'm letting the direction off that easy. For stupid directing this goes down even more.
Rating: 3

Cinematography: Terrible! Let's ignore the fact that the night scenes are so dark that we sometimes wonder what the kid is holding in his hand. Let's COMPLETELY forget the obvious wire in that garbage disposal fly scene. As for the cheap jump out at you scares, they are obviously about to happen. The settings, in all honesty, weren't badly chosen, but all the gore and and monsters? Buuuuuull-shit!
Rating: 4

Script: Terrible! Where do I start? Aside from the atypical garbage leaps of logic to explain everything away (re: they're short because of the gravity and the heat and that's a portal to their planet - GOD!) is the moment that gets three full points taken away from a terrible script to begin with: Outright Plagiarism. I guess they had no idea Dune would ever get so popular. The scene where that little pissant goes to the psychic? She takes his hand and sticks it in a box. He screams that it hurts and begs and screams then he takes it out and it's fine. The psychic says, "Don't fear. Fear is the killer."
For you people out there who don't know the blatant theft of reference, that's how Muadib proves himself; by sticking his hand in a box that hurts more than anything, not pulling it out, repeating to himself, "Fear is the Mindkiller."
I call bullshit on this big time. Dune was written in '65 and a new edition printed in '77. Guess where the inspiration came from? I think it's obvious. The writers of this script should be fined.

Rating: 2

Plot: TERRIBLE! Suspension of disbelief CITY. The kid is too curious for his own good. The scene where he blows his door off with a shotgun shell and a hammer, instead of giving the half broken door (clearly no budget) another good kick, this dickweed is likely to make stupid little kids try it and subsequently lose some fingers. Good job guys. Not only do you make a terrible movie but you lower some poor dolt's quality of life for not knowing any better. And the scene where that kid miraculously shows up right on time driving the car, after his brother told him to stay home? Don't effin' writers know that we LISTEN to movies as well as watch them?! As IF, just stop punching holes in your own script! And the convenient ending where the boulders go in the mine shaft at just the right place. Then after all is said and done, the kid gets it ANYWAYS?! What retarded bullshit. PEOPLE DON'T ACT THIS WAY. Call the cops with your friggen evidence, GODDAMN IT!
Rating: 1

Mood: Terrible! Fine, I understand that I may not be the best source to judge this, given I was YELLING over the crappy soundtrack and half the dialogue, but the mood is supposed to draw you in. I've said it a hundred times. It's the theme, you know? Well this is directionless, and WTF is up with that ball anyways, seriously? The fact that this constantly looked like poor acting reminded me how stupid this was, and instead of basking in the mood of cheese (a la Killer Klowns) I found myself wondering how best to crap on this movie for all of you. DON'T SEE THIS CRAAAAP!
Rating: 3

"My career... is undeaaaad... Moooaaaaa"

Overall Rating: 26% (Utterly Phantasmically Objectionable)

Aftertaste: Where the hell did this come from? Why it didn't die, I don't know. Why there's THREE SEQUELS?! JESUS. Why my friend owns it is a mystery to me. Why he lent it to me is obviously for reasons of torture, to get back at ages old unforgiven acts. I know it would have been better if I'd have seen it and laughed along with someone, but still, I literally said "Terrible!" alone, out loud, at this movie... must have been 46 times. I'm not exaggerating. From the cheap scares to the huge holes in the plot, to the fact that the beginning is boring, the middle is erratic and unpolished to the end WHICH TURNS OUT TO ALL BE A DREAM. The only ending worse than the bad guy's house / city / castle / whatever exploding when the bad guy gets it and everything is fine right away... IS THE DREAM ENDING. I call Bullshit on this whole movie! TERRIBLE!