Saturday, December 03, 2005

The Keeper (2004) * Worst Hits *

Two stars, one big brown floater...

Crime Thriller Drama (Canada, UK)

Starring: Denis Hopper (Speed; Red Rock West), Asia Argento (Land of The Dead; Trauma)

Directed By: Paul Lynch ("Tour Of Duty"; "Star Trek: The Next Generation")

Overview: After an exotic dancer gets almost raped and killed, the police sheriff takes her home, keeping her locked up in his basement, having decided that she needs to change her life for the better.

Acting: God! BORING, bleh ugh. Asia was great in Land of the Dead, sucked in this. Her accent was terrible (the sad part of it is, I bet it's her real accent too) Denis Hopper, of Apocalypse Now fame... you'd think he'd be great! Just goes to prove how TERRIBLE some directors can be. Ugh. He directed TV shows like "Sliders", "Xena", and get this, "Baywatch Nights"... Stick to TV, Bubba.
Rating: 4

Cinematography: There was a helicopter shot in it. The most exciting thing about the movie was the jail cell, which was plain. Nothing exciting, but professional anyways.
Rating: 6

Script: Who writes a movie sitting on the toilet with a stomach flu? Obviously, THIS GUY. Hey, hey! How about you write characters who make zero sense? Done? Good. There was one awesome speech about why "Mr. Rat" had to die, and I quite enjoyed it. It was at the beginning of the movie and I thought, "good writing!" No.
Rating: 4

Plot: This movie made me angry. There's four characters and each and every one is unbelievable at least at some point. You know when you watch a movie and you get frustrated because the characters aren't doing logical things? Right. You know what that gets you? Ass. Oh predictable ending too by the way. Farg!
Rating: 3

Mood: The mood of this movie was not frightening. It was just FRUSTRATING. The only creepy part was when Denis Hopper's 'wished she was his girlfriend' girl started trying to blackmail him into being with her. She's right nuts. For that this gets mood points. The music sucked, and even the police uniforms looked fake. Hated it.
Rating: 4

Daria herself, on the other hand? Hoo I'd cage that for a couple days for sure!

Overall Rating: 42% (Not Anywhere NEAR a Keeper. Ugh *Spit*)

Aftertaste: I was disappointed that these two actors were put in this crappy universe of a vision of retarded logic. I was embarrassed for Asia and Denis. I was THIS CLOSE to turning it off half an hour into it, but I felt, rather, the need to share with you the fact that this is CRAP. Don't see it. It's STUPID. You know it's a terrible movie when you can't find more than ONE PHOTO on the internet.