Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Ankle Biters (2002) * Worst Hits *

Ugh, this movie doesn't even deserve the expenditure of wit for a quip here...

Genre: Vampire Horror

Starring: Adam Minarovich, Jeremy Busbee

Directed By: Adam Minarovich

Overview: When dwarf vampires get their hands on a sword that can turn full-grown people into vampires, the half-breed hunter redoubles his efforts to kill them to the last.

Acting: If this wasn't shot in digital film, then at least they'd have an excuse as to why they didn't do another take of every single scene they shot. I was going to cut 'em some slack, but I don't think I've seen any worst acting, ever.
Rating: 1

Cinematography: There are a couple effects that impressed me like jumping really high, or the Bram Stoker's Dracula style choppy zoom-in. Aside from that, the combat was stupid, everything was shot too close, and three quarters of the movie was too dark. Ever hear of a light meter? I could have done better... Actually, I HAVE done better.
Rating: 2

Script: Well given that half the lines were incomprehensible, either due to the sound guy or the mumbling pronunciations, I couldn't make out WHY exactly everything was happening this way. This was really, really boring.
Rating: 1

Plot: This, at first glace, may SEEM like a tribute to Blade, but it's actually just a blatant rip off. Halfbreed hunter with a sidekick, eh? Try something original. The premise that only dwarf vampires can beget other drawf vampires does not carry this movie further than 20 minutes. The utter nonsense of the half thought-out plot development is retarded. Just once I'd like to see a stupid vampire who thinks he's super hot-shit get defeated by a SWAT team. I really, really would. That would make a good movie. As for this one: Terrible.
Rating: 1

Mood: The mood gets points for having lots of guns, that cool helichopper thing, custom motorbikes and that gorgeous old Rolls Royce... Oh and for having dwarf vampires that actually attack ankles. At least they're trying to be funny.
Rating: 3

The only thing that saves this film from being the worst is all the vehicles, including one similar to this...

Overall Rating: 16% (I've Seen Worse, But Not Many... Just ONE, Actually.)

Aftertaste: Couldn't wait for this to end. At least there was a cute stripper in chaps in it... Man, the only thing uglier that North Carolina is it's gene pool. Yuck.

You know, I think I'm going to try and find this guy's email address and hurt his feelings...