Friday, March 31, 2006

Good Guys Wear Black (1978) * Worst Hits *

Oh Chuck, why must you be so cool and yet such a joke at the same time?

Genre: Action Drama

Starring: Chuck Fucking Norris, Anne Archer (Clear and Present Danger; Patriot Games)

Directed By: Ted Post (Magnum Force)

Overview: When Special Ops members from Chuck's old team, The Black Tigers, start turning up dead, Chuck finds himself trying to get to the bottom of a political conspiracy.

That's one interpretation.

True Overview: Chuck Norris kicks a guy through a windshield.

Acting: It's not that the people acting in this film weren't trying to act, it was that they were physically incapable, distracted by the tragedy that was 1978 interior design. I went out of my way to say to myself, "Alright, no preconceived notions Squish, just look at Chuck's acting and pay real attention to his actual performance, and judge its merit accordingly." After doing so, I though, "alright, fine, not the best, now see if the rest of his cast can support him, just give it a real chance!" I... I blacked out from the strain.
Rating: 3

Cinematography: This is an action movie. It's full of action. There's the 'Nam scene with the guns and the exploding huts, yeah! There's the fight at the airport with the kick through the windshield, Woo... but that's it. Watching your friend get shot is not action. When you deliver a kick to the head of the guy who shot your friend, that's action. It is NOT a thin line. The only redeeming quality is the tragic late 70s decor, which this film was strangely meticulous about. The opulent hotel with thick, bright orange orangutan-pelt-looking shag carpet, or the rec-room bar lined with mugs carved like the faces of people. You just know 10 years later all those expensive knick-knacks were selling for 50 cents each at the most embarrassing garage sale you've ever seen.
Rating: 3

Script: Any dialogue that uses the word 'expedite' nine times in four minutes is enough to make you climb the walls in anguish. Adding a script that plays out like some shitty episode of Kojak, there's no doubt that this was pumped out of the arse of some commercial-making production team. The only other thing this writer ever wrote is a Chuck Norris movie, a SCI-FI CHUCK NORRIS MOVIE. Shame is a word that cannot come close to describing my sentiments for an entire decade that would have ever imagined something as malignant as this.
Rating: 3

Plot: What political machinations lie in wait for our underdog? We open with deep-running politics, a journalist investigating a man's last Vietnamese Operation with his Unit. While his old friends are getting shot to death, assassination style, we wonder if our hero will get to the bottom of the story in time. The snowball of danger and convoluted mysteries grows and grows until all at once you realize this is an imbecilic Chuck Norris movie and it only serves to stereotype gender roles to the degree that the womanizing Chuck manages to get the journalist to cook for him, twice.
Rating: 3

Mood: There are films that you watch simply because you like movies, just because you want to see a stupid action film with some stupid kicks in the head and some detective work with close calls on the life of our hero. When you spend your time groaning, looking away, bashing your head on the wall, and laughing uproariously at the wrong stuff (like the wallpaper and the 'computers'), it's really not a good sign, because deep down your crying inside. That makes for a really shitty time. A waste of life.
Rating: 2

Remember that movie, you know it's all about Chuck Norris kicking a guy through a windshield?

Overall Rating: 28% (Good Guys is Evil!)

Aftertaste: The shit you do for friends. This is one of the biggest, most painful turds I've ever crapped out of my brain. No amount of oat bran can purge the walls of the bowels of my mind of this complete waste of 96 minutes of my life. This has 3 things that are completely retarded: no action, retarded dialogue and Chuck Norris. Jesus Chuck, Jesus! What possessed you?! I think I'll have to move on the Charles Bronson, because this... this was just...

Jesus Wept.