Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Evil Breed: The Legend Of Samhain (2003)

No that's not Greico in the freak suit...

Genre: Horror Comedy (Canada)

Starring: Jenna Jameson (The New Devil In Miss Jones; Up And Cummers 20), Chasey Lain (Orgazmo; Interview With A Vibrator)

Directed By: Christian Viel

Overview: A group of American tourists spend some time in the Irish woods, but the incestuous cannibals living nearby begin to stalk them.

Acting: If it looks like all these little-known starlets careers seem more like a resume of pornography... it's because it is! I must say though that I was torn about which titles to put in their little 'starring' section up top. I mean Cum For Me was a masterpiece! I think I managed all right anyways. Oh, there's a Richard Greico scene in the beginning and he's all in the credits and on the cover of the box and stuff. Yeah. He has something like four lines. This is called 'padding' to make up for zero talent.
Rating: 4

Cinematography: Here we go! Mood aside, the joy that is the reason for this film is right here. The gore is great, the inbred monster dude is awesome, and there's a scene so stupidly hilarious we had to watch it again because we were laughing too hard to hear what Jenna Jameson was saying through the bathroom door (turns out it was "Are you dying in there?"). When victims are brought to the den of these freaks to be used as they see fit, there are some quite graphic moments, and I'm talking minutes of tearing people apart at a time. Best of all, something you've never seen before: inbred dude carves open well-endowed girl, pulls out her breast implant, bites it and spits disgustedly (I guess it's a little salty!)
Rating: 8

Script: The stuff of stoner high-school kids... or a porno script now that I think about it, except without all the innuendo. The writers of this story haven't really done anything else though. IMAGINE MY SURPRISE! In this, characters talk about horror movies and discuss the easy-to-follow formula of who's going to die to the just stupid "Where the eff am I?" or "No, I'll get you out of here!", you'll be glad you were watching this with friends who spoke through what the actors said.
Rating: 4

Plot: So here we are going along, figuring out who's getting killed and when and how, and it's all terribly predictable slasher stuff, and the end comes without any glaring plot holes (it's hard to put holes in a plot that is "Hi, we're tourists"). So why they would throw in such a stupid unexplained plot twist as the one in the finale is beyond me. It's like the crew was there begging for sex with all the pornstars, and Jenna suddenly said, "I'll do dirty favours if you let my friend do the end like she wants". Let's hope she performed those favours to everyone's satisfaction.
Rating: 4

Mood: My favorite films are ones that say they're in Ireland, yet are shot entirely on location in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, with actors who can't do Irish accents worth crap. Maybe, just MAYBE, had I not seen The Butcher Boy so recently, I might not have noticed the horrible accents. Besides that... blame the gaffer for all that other mood-killing stuff. Stupid slasher flicks.
Rating: 4

Jenna in her younger, more hoorish days

Overall Rating: 48% (Evil, But Not Stinky Evil)

Aftertaste: So here I am, hanging out with one of my best friends, but who I haven't seen in a while. We're drinking, we're dining and then we decide, sure let's watch this TMN OnDemand piece of turd! It's a great little station, let me tell you! Considering the last horrible films I saw with this guy were The Ghouls, Skinned Deep and Ghost Lake (UGH!), we had a real good time with this one. It was about as good as we expected.

If you think of seeing this one, make sure it's 'under the influence' with friends.