Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Evil's City (2005)

Take a left at Maliceburg, drive through Sinisterville, hang a right at Damnation Town, can't miss it.

Genre: Action Horror Thriller

Starring: Brandon Largent, Laura Mazur

Directed By: Tom Lewis

Overview: A bunch of immature college students decide to find an unknown town who's natives all seemed to have died. Oh Joy, enter a bunch of low-budge "Buffy" vampire-faced rip-offs.

Acting: Written, directed, produced, edited, filmed, digital effected, and production attorneyed by the amazing one-man band: Tom Lewis! Sadly he didn't grace us with his acting skills in this one, but I guess he couldn't be expected to do EVERYTHING, and that includes getting an honest performance out of his staff. Take a wild guess how skilled his actors were? Yeah, bingo.
Rating: 3

Cinematography: I'm laughing out loud as I recall the moments when those pistol shots were going off: white starburst 'special' effects. Notice I'm using special in that 'retarded' meaning of the word. There was really just one gore scene, and it involved a woman with a classic "Buffy" vampire face ripping the neck out of a solider with her fangs, ho-hum. Oh one other thing: reflectors and light meters... a sound investments, consider it next time.
Rating: 3

Script: What are the greatest signs of a horrible B-Grade Horror film? 1.) Atrocious dialogue that serves so little to advance the plot that when important elements DO arise, it seems ridiculously unnatural. 2.) Characters hate each other and come up with witty quips (that aren't) to insult one another, proving the social ineptitude of the immature child-minded dork that wrote them. 3.) Deus Ex Machina characters come and explain things without adding anything about who they are or why our protagonists aren't trying to rip their heads off to save their own lives. This sucked. Sucked, sucked, sucked.

Rating: 2

Plot: There is nothing worse for ruining a story than this (I have never seen this before in my life, which is pretty amazing in itself): Rival college news crews (?) race out to the abandoned town. Both crews gets there by dusk, but somehow a whole extra night has passed for Crew 2, because they ran over a dude on the way, as an aside, at night. I know that with lower-budget productions we have to forgo reshoots and editing due to continuity minutiae like you're wearing one jacket here and a different one there, but holy jumping Jesus give me a break, it's like you're going out of your way to be a 'tard.
Rating: 2

Mood: God, to think that I have only one more criteria to grade and be done with this forever. What joy comes from knowing my torment will end and I can purge this explosive diarrhea from my mind. Simply put, we didn't have enough fun making fun of this for it to be fun. 'B-Horror Movie Day' should at least be laughable. This was pathetic. Sad story, sad concept, sad ending... just a poor attempt at making a buck. Actually TRY next time, how 'bout?
Rating: 3

I publicly apologize to the hosts for Girlfriend of Squish's projectile vomiting, she has a weak stomach for garbage.

Overall Rating: 26% (Metropolic Badness)

Aftertaste: The cover art looked decent enough to rent, but I should have known better from the awkward title. For the record: No I don't enjoy bad Horror film, I really don't. What I enjoy is resigning myself to being happy to see something utterly obscure, with the possibility that a valiant effort was made in a low-budget production. If a movie is produced and distributed, it should not be this bad. The idea that we can learn the make-do lessons taught by a few skilled hobbyists and first-timers is part of the charm. This failed. Boo to you. I curse you and the fecal banality you have made.

And shame on Maple for distributing it.