I got your review right here...

Good day all.

I've seen many a Film Review website and given many friends and neighbors my brilliant opinion on a hundred movies, compiling lists of "Must See" movies for their unappreciative lazy asses, and I've come to decide that this forum is better for everyone. I don't have to talk to them, they can just come online and figure it out themselves. Better still, you the stranger whom I've never met can get a good revue of a good movie, instead of hearing that Starsky and Hutch is "Effin' Great, dude" from your high school drop-out friend, or that Blade: Trinity is a movie with 'lots of action'.

I have developed a full comprehensive rating scale. As film is like fine wine to me, I'll grade it on five different criteria, with a breakdown of each one and in the end will have a percentage rating, like you would with a Chilean Red.

Acting will cover the actors who portray the characters on screen, but also will include if the director should have said "Do it again". Not to pick on Keanu, but even a perfectionist director like Stanley Kubrick (renowned for his shooting 50+ takes for a perfect scene) can only do so much with so little. Want a good example of some great acting? Go watch Titus.

Cinematography will represent the innovative costumes, shooting angles, filters and lenses used to make the movie stunning and panoramic, or camera work that terrifyingly puts you in the lair of the psychotic beast, anything having to do with the visual direction of the look of a movie. The Duellists and The Ring are excellent examples of brilliance in this category.

Script will obviously cover how well a movie is written. You can have all the rest, but with such great lines as "I know Kung Fu", The Matrix definitely would have suffered in this category. You dunno what I’m talking about? Check out Goodfellas or Taxi Driver, wiseguy.

Plot not only covers how good the plot of a movie is, but if the continuity of a film is believable. One of my favorite directors is Lars Von Trier (Dancer in the Dark, Dogville), but in all honesty, though his themes are excellent, he often goes out of the realm of the believable. This category will also include predictability and value of plot twists - vide: Fight Club.

Mood will cover how good a movie stays within the boundaries of it's Genre while still not falling into horrible clichés. This way, even a person like me, whose favorite Genre is Tragedy, can rate a romantic movie that I would normally hate. A film's score also falls into this category. Fear not, I've seen enough of each genre to properly repruzhent. 2001 set a standard for Mood in film, if you know what I'm saying.

Aftertaste will not be a rating per se, but will let you know how much of an effect this movie had on me personally. Given that everything previously listed is my attempt at remaining neutral, this is my way of adding an afterthought. Besides the ones on my favorites list, Secretary and Gerry were two movies that would just not leave my mind…

My scale works like this: each of the 5 categories is given 10 points, a rating of 1 is the worst, 10 is the best evah, and then a percentage overall will determine how good the movie is. If you use the wine scale, a 70% is a 'passably good' wine.

My reviews will consist entirely of what I have seen recently. Opinions on films I've seen ten years ago, regardless of how memorable they are, won't be included. That would be cheating. This site will review all films of all genres and eras, including shorts, compilations and Television Series. I do my best to try not to watch garbage, or what I expect to be garbage, that includes Charlie's Angels or Failure To Launch, no matter how many other people have seen it. I tend to lean on the side of art in my viewing. Blockbuster's #1 is usually pretty lame, and I don't go there anyway.

So there you have it. Enjoy.

And feel free to recommend any film you've actually seen or even heard was great, I'm sure I'll enjoy it.