Sunday, July 10, 2005

Jack The Ripper (1976) * WORST EVER * * FAVORITE REVIEW *

"Please kill me. Spare me the taint of being a part of this production!"

Genre: Drama Crime, Passably Horror (Switzerland, West Germany)

Starring: Klaus Kinski (Fitzcarraldo; Nosferatu the Vampyre), Josephine Chaplain

Directed By: Jesus Franco (Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies; The Erotic Adventures of Frankenstein)

Overview: This is a bullshit recreation and utterly false retelling of the Jack the Ripper story. The only similarity that this holds to the actual tale is the fact that there was a killer in Victorian England.

Acting: The acting was not aided by the overdubbing. There was quite obviously so little celluloid that they had to trust that the actors movements would be good enough for print, and in the meantime, translate with the worst voice actors you could EVER imagine! I didn't think that the quality of the voice acting could be so terrible. These people doing the voiceovers must have had one take, and then returned to the porn moans and groans that they were paid to do as the brunt of their workday. TERRIBLE!!! The only thing that saves it is the homo queen who acted as the constable's voice. Certainly his tragically flaming voiceover was INTENDED to be comic? Honestly I thought that this was a joke for the longest time, then I was insulted on behalf of every gay person I know when I found out it wasn't.
Rating: 2

Cinematography: The special effects gore was so bad as to have been better left to the imagination. I don't know what the producer was thinking, giving a rubber hand to the crew as a prop. Worse yet, they zoomed in on it several times and the characters played with it during that horrible scene. Remember when you went to 'Bill's Joke Shop' and found a plastic rubber hands in shrink wrap hanging off a hook on one of those spinning racks? Remember how those cost a dollar? I'm not shitting you. It's that bad. They did the same with a pair of breasts and added the worst blood effects ever. How hard is it to go to a butcher and get a pint of cow's blood? At least it would gross the actors out properly, instead of their terrible non-method stoic display. Mental note: never focus on terrible props. On top of it ALL, the night scenes were too dark, so add the amateurish camera work too. GOD THIS WAS TERRIBLE!
Rating: 1

Script: This was written and directed by Jesus. You'd think he'd provide less suffering and more salvation. There's nothing 'Messiah' about this. I looked him up. He makes shitty Spanish horror and vampire films, and what's worse, terrible sequels to popular films that I've never even heard about, like Revenge in the House of Usher. That means really, really bad. Moreso, it makes him a poseur. This guy sucks, and worse, he's still directing / producing / writing. You offend me sir.
Rating: 1

Plot: The story is nothing like the original murders of several prostitutes of 1888 Whitechapel London, nowhere NEAR to the facts. Why name it Jack the Ripper? Because chumps like me will go out of their way to see it, thinking it's another perspective of the Hughes brothers From Hell. Well it's not. The plot is terribly weak, revolving around a man who is a doctor and kills whores, and seems to like to revel in the low-budget blood effects. As for the protagonist's investigation into the crime itself, Jesus help me it's a waste of time and celluloid. That this piece of garbage ever survived for 30 years makes it eligible for sainthood.
Rating: 1

Mood: The mood? Are you kidding me?
"Set a film in Victorian England."
"Ok what else, Boss?"
"Hmm.. I hadn't thought that far. Maybe throw in some death and overdubbed hookers?"
"Ok. Deal. Anything else?"
"Pff. What are you? A perfectionist? Ok fine. Make it too dark, too unrealistic and too stupid for words."
"Uh, ok but.."
"You heard me!"

This gets a point for having oversized dresses, corsets, puritans and fog.
Rating: 2

Dude, you need a mirror when you're shaving! Look at you now!

Overall Rating: 14% (Complete Shit - On the Bell Curve of Film, There Technically Should Only Be One Movie That Can Possibly Reach 10%. This Is Far Too Close. Worst Movie Ever, Not In A Good Way. Burn This, Please Lord God)

Aftertaste: You will never have heard of this movie. You will never see this movie on any television channel, nor will you see this available for rent anywhere. The DVD for this movie will never exist. This movie can only be found in a portal to the past, in a place to where Elvira, Mistress of the Dark exists to torment our little minds and show us what fromage horror cinema is really about. I rented this from an obscure independent, as research, on Jack the Ripper. Guess what? Instead of finding what I was looking for, I found what can safely be, for decades of my existence, the worst movie EVER. A plainly, boringly, idiotic production that makes me want to hurt this producer.

I think this is the worst movie I have ever seen.

I am honestly not kidding. I'm seriously thinking of writing this guy hate mail.