Saturday, June 04, 2005

Ghost Lake (2004) - * WORST EVER*

"Boo! We're all wet! RAAAA!"
The Terror!!!

Genre: Horror Mystery Thriller

Starring: Tatum Adair, Timothy Prindle

Directed By: Jay Woelfel

Overview: After Becky's parents die, she goes to the cottage to mourn and move on, but the lake's undead denizens have other plans for her.

Acting: The actor's names in the credits look more like porno names that real people. Aside from the headliners there's also Azure Sky Decker and Gregory Lee Kenyon just to name a few. The acting is as bad as a low production with a shitty director could be expected. I've seen worse, but not many.
Rating: 2

Cinematography: There was this attempt at split screening that for some reason made me say out loud, "Oh look they're trying to be artsy. Isn't that nice? Now stop and never do that again." Sadly they did it another five times. One of my friends in attendance commented on how bad the lighting and rain effects were: "Is the lake made out of tin foil?" "Why is it raining but they're not wet?" The special effects too were either low-budge computer generated crap or plastic puppets. Stupid!
Rating: 3

Script: The script was atrocious. There was only one film's script that's ever been worse. At least these people had realistic motivations. The horror genre also has a way of having people deduce plots from NOTHING. "Oh well this is the 13th time the 13 years have come around, so all the victims have to rise again and kill another 13 people." WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT ONE?
It's terrible! How can people think this way when they write? I could do better, and I keep thinking of actually doing just that to prove it. I could write better crap than this in an afternoon. Hell maybe I'll get on that.
Rating: 2

Plot: The plot was stupid. A dam was built one day and the lake developed. There's an old town where the lake is now, and for some stupid reason the ghosts have to kill the living every 13 years. If a rotten body floated up to me when I was swimming and the house made noises and ghosts were out there to kill me, I'd get in my effin' car and drive back HOME. And so would YOU and so would anyone who wasn't a complete RETARD. Almost turned it off it was so boring. My two friends...They left.
Rating: 2

Mood: What mood? That terrible computer-synthed Casio score? The plastic ghosts? I'm not even going to dignify explaining how lame this terrible thing was. Just trust me.
Rating: 2

Ghosts: Scary. Your Grandpa in a fisherman's hat with chapped lips: Not so much

Overall Rating: 22% (This Floating Turd Should Be Thrown Back In!)

Aftertaste: The good-times-bad-movie trip ended up not being very fun at all. There's enjoying a bad movie together, and then there's being sapped by it. I couldn't take it. I couldn't come up with any more witty comments to offset the poo that this movie was. Ugh. This is on the worst of the year's list, but not like Creepers was... At least freaky monkeys with straight-razors and gore pools with bones floating in it have its own brand of appeal. There was no horror in this. It was a stupid drama with a wavy ghost or two and a terrible little girl with a lisp who deserved a smack. They all deserved a smack, all of them! I should ask for my money back,it was that bad.